No matter what a person’s role in your life – your boss, a peer, an external customer, or even a spouse – it takes courage to give you feedback. When a conversation requires courage, the speaker's emotions are heightened. If the feedback recipient’s emotions rise in response to the feedback, conversations escalate. This is how arguments start. If you want to put the other person at ease and get more feedback in the future, do the opposite of what people are expecting.
Rather than getting even the slightest bit defensive, do the opposite. Say, "Thank you for the feedback. I'm sorry you had that experience. I'm going to think about what you've said and may come back to you to talk more" Then walk away.
Step by Step
- Ask for feedback.
- Be specific about the type of feedback you want.
- Tell the person from whom you're asking for feedback when and where she can observe you in action.
- "I really want your feedback on the pace of the new-hire-orientation program. Will you call into the first hour next Wednesday at 9:00 a.m. and tell me what you think of the pace and why?" This request tells the person specifically what you want and demonstrates you’re serious about wanting feedback.
- When you receive feedback, say, "Thank you for telling me. I'm going to think about what you've said and may come back to you in a few days to talk more"
- Don’t respond to negative feedback immediately.
- Walk away instead of responding.
- If you'd like more information or want to tell the person you disagree with what they said, wait until you’re calm to have that conversation.
- That can be minutes or a few days later.
- You can express a counterpoint of view, just don’t do it immediately after receiving feedback. Anything you say at the moment will likely sound defensive.
Covered Scenarios
- How to respond to criticism.
- How to receive unsolicited feedback.
- How to ask for feedback.
