How to Give Feedback

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Step by Step

  1. Introduce the conversation by asking for a few minutes.
    • "Is it a good time for the other person to talk?."
    • "John when you have 5 minutes, I need to talk to you."
  2. State your motive.
    • Let them know you are speaking because you have their best interests at heart.
    • "This is a little awkward and may be uncomfortable. I want you to know that while I wish I didn't have to tell you this, I'm doing it because I care about you and I want you to be successful."
  3. Describe the observed behavior.
    • Picture a specific recent example of what you're referring to.
    • "John, I've noticed that you have an odor."
  4. Share the impact or result of the behavior.
    • Explain what happened as a result of the person's action.
    • "I know this is a very awkward subject (empathize). We work in a small space. I don't want others to avoid working with you or say negative things about you. And as awkward as this is, I would rather you hear this from me than someone else. Sometimes health conditions can cause certain odors, as can eating some foods."
  5. In dialogue, ask the recipient for their perception of the situation.
    • Ask questions, and have a dialogue.
    • "What are your thoughts?" or
    • "What happened?"
  6. Make a suggestion or request for what you'd like the person to do next time.
    • "I'm very sorry to tell you this. Please make sure you shower every day before coming to work and wash your clothes each time you wear them. And please tell me if there is something else you'd like me to know."
  7. Build an agreement about the next steps.
    • You can skip it based on the awkwardness of the subject.
  8. Say thank you.
    • "Thank you for being willing to have this conversation with me."

Preparation

  • Questions for you to consider answering before a difficult feedback conversation
    • What's working? What is not working?
    • What's the most important for this person to know?
    • What would you like this person to do differently?
    • What are your requests?
    • What do you want to say but probably won't?
    • What would you say first?
  • When delivering feedback.
    • Privately (when possible). 
    • Within a week of the incident. 
    •  You or the feedback recipient are not upset. If you are upset, wait 24 hours until you are calm.
    • You have sufficient time for the conversation.
    • The recipient is not having a day during which everything has gone wrong (personal or professional speaking)
    • Neither of you goes on vacation the next day.
  • More than one piece of feedback. 
    • Address each issue individually.  
      • Once you have agreed on the next steps, then repeat the formula.
    • Give a small amount of feedback. No more than 3 things to work on at one time.
      • Address those things that still haven't changed.

Statement Examples

  • When taking responsibility.
    • "I probably should have said something a long time ago. I'm sorry I didn't. The purpose of this conversation is to ensure you get what you need from me as your manager."
  • When the behaviors are indirectly observed by another person:
    • "Mary I appreciate you telling me this. I know you asked me not to share it, and I want to respect your confidentiality. But it's a big deal and I have to pass on the feedback. How can I share the information so that you are comfortable? Do you want to talk to X yourself, I'm sure they will be receptive or Do you want me to talk to them?"
    • "I can't identify the source of this information, and I know that's frustrating. Typically, if I can't share the source, I don't give feedback. But I think it's important for you to know this. Here is my suggestion, as difficult as this will be: rather than trying to figure out who said what, just alter your behavior. You might also tell the people with whom you work most closely that you got some feedback on ___ and you are working to improve in that area. Tell your coworkers that you would appreciate any feedback they have. Then after you've made some changes, go back to them. Share what you've done differently and ask again for specific feedback."
  • When asking for their perception:
    • If you say the wrong thing or the message comes out stronger than you would like, apologize.
    • If the person is too emotional say: 
      • "I can see this is very upsetting and I'm sorry about that. Why don't we finish this conversation another time?" - when the person is calm, resume the conversation.
      • "I'm sorry you feel that way."
  • When making the request, be direct:
    • "Here is my request, when..., Does it work for you?"
  • When thanking:
    • "Thanks for being willing to have this conversation with me. It was hard for me to talk to you about this... But our working relationship matters to me, and I want to feel ..."

Quick Feedback 

  • "(Describe what you observed for feedback). I came across an article the other day that had some good ideas on how to..., Would you like me to make you a copy? or Would you like to hear a few ideas?"
  • "I'm realizing that when we started working together we never talked about our working-style preferences - our preferred method of communication, desired response time, how we handle questions, and so forth. I think it would be useful to have this conversation. What do you think? Would you like to do that now or schedule another time?"

    Requesting Feedback Model

    1. Ask for feedback.
      • Promise you will say "Thank You" regardless of what the person says.
      • Don't get defensive even if you think the other person is wrong.
        • The feedback is true for them
        • Deal with the other person's experience.
        • Your opinion of what happened makes no difference.
    2. Tell them
      1. "I've been working on ___"
      2. "I'd really like your feedback"
      3. "I'd specifically like feedback on ___ and ___""
      4. "Here are the opportunities in the next 2 weeks to see me do this (or review this piece of work)"
      5. "Can we schedule a meeting to discuss this?"

    Examples

    • Asking 6 people for feedback:
      • "What is the first impression I create?."
      • "What was I like to work with, or what do you think I would be like to work with?."
      • "If my coworkers were asked to talk about me when I wasn't there, what would they say?."
      • "How have I exceeded your expectations."
      • "How have I disappointed you?."
    • Asking for general feedback.
      • "We have been working together for a really long time. We see a lot of each other work and I realized that we never talk about it. I think it would be really helpful if we give each other feedback about what's working, and what we might do differently. What do you think? Is it something you'd like to do?"
    • Ask for specific feedback.
      • "I have been working very hard to strengthen my skills on X subject. Would you be willing to watch me in X's situation and give me some feedback? I'd really appreciate your insights. In fact, I'd really like more feedback in general. If you be willing to bring things to my attention that get in the way of my success, I'd really appreciate it. I promise to be receptive and say thank you. Would you be comfortable doing that?"
    • Asking for feedback from the direct supervisor.
      • "I got some feedback on ___. I respect your judgment and I would like to hear your impressions. Would you be willing to watch for this behavior over the next two weeks? Then perhaps we can set a time to discuss your observations. Would that be okay?"

    Asking others to pass the Feedback

    1. Ask the other to talk.
    2. State why you want the other person to pass the feedback.
    3. Describe the behavior. 
    4. Make a suggestion or request
    5. Volunteer to help (optionally)

    Examples

    • "Steve, I need to talk to you offline. I know you have a good relationship with X, and I'm wondering if you run little interference. I've noticed that ___, Would be willing to talk to him and how to improve on ___."

    References

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