How to Self Coaching

  

Actionable Model

• Step 1. Feel you're now. Name your emotion (one word) and describe it.
• "What are you feeling right now?", 
• "I feel ___, and this is the way how I feel it in my body is: ___."
• If happy/say, bad/good is also okay.
• Outer awareness - Feeling the feeling.
• Step 2. Find the sentence causing it.
• All feelings are caused by your thoughts. Nothing outside causes your emotions.
• Sensations.
• Things that happen in your body involuntarily travel to your mind.
• Stuff outside of your case sensations. Sun makes you hot or outside makes you cold.
• Emotions. 
• Require consciousness that starts in your mind and travels to your body.
• It's always caused by a sentence in your mind.
• Not a circumstance, facts vs thoughts:
• "I feel anxious because I lost my job" (circumstance)
• What is your thought about "not having my job?" 
• "I'm not gonna be able to pay my bills...", (thought) or
• "I'll never be able to work again..." (thought).
• What is my brain thinking? What sentences are being fed to me from my brain?
• It's important to know because it's causing how you feel and if you don't know you can't change it and you are going to feel powerless, depressed, and fearful, and you do not why.
• Every sentence in your mind is a choice.
• You can deliberately decide what to think otherwise the brain will do it for you unsupervised.
• Step 3. Create a new, true thought.
• Give it equal airtime.
• It will produce a new feeling.
• Example"
• "I feel inadequate" (feeling)
• "I am not enough" (thought)
• "because I won't be able to get all this done"
• Then think, also consider: 
• "I am enough " (new though)
• "because I'm gonna get everything done I can "
• It makes you feel worthy. 
• You do not have to get rid of the negative if you do not want
• You can introduce the new thought and allow yourself to feel both as well. 
• What makes it true is that you believe it.
• You will have to probe the new thought in certain ways and you see how that's true then you can hold that thought with the other thought.
• Negative:
• "I'm not going to be able to get it all done today" to
• Positive
• "I'm going to get half of my list today"...
• "I'm going to get 7 things done today"...
• ...
• You will get some sense of accomplishment together with a sense of inadequacy.

Videos

References

• TBD

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Coaching with Clean Language

"The Five-Minute Coach offers a simple, step-by-step guide to how to coach quickly and effortlessly and get amazingly better results at work. Short, punchy, and easy to read, the user can swiftly learn this innovative and effective tool for improving performance. Designed for leaders, managers, and supervisors, in any setting, The Five-Minute Coach is a ground-breaking approach to coaching on the job" - Amazon.com

Step 1. Identify and Outcome.

• "[And] What would you like to have happened?" 
• If the answer is not an Outcome, ask:
• "And [last answer] What would you like to have happened?"
• If the answer is an Outcome then continue

Step 2. Choosing the best Outcome.

• "And when [outcome in coaches words], then what happens?"
• "And when [last answer], then what happens?"
• Repeat the question with each answer until no new answer emerges.
• "And [outcome] and [recap all the answers], what are you drawn to most?"
• This is the 'new outcome'.

Step 3. Discovering more about the Outcome.

• "And when ['new outcome'], what kind of [same word or phrase from the outcome]?"
• "And when [last answer], is there anything else about [same word or phrase]?"
• "And when [last answer], where is/are [same word or phrase]?"
• "And when [last answer], whereabouts [last answer]?"
• "And [last answer]. Given what you know, what would like to have happened?"
• This is the 'final outcome'.

Step 4. Action Planning.

• "And what needs to happen for ['final outcome']?"
• "And is there anything else that needs to happen for [final outcome]?"
• Repeat the question until you hear 'no' as an answer.
• "And [final outcome and recap every action point], is there anything else that needs to happen for [final outcome]?"
• Repeat the question until you hear 'no' as an answer.
• "And [final outcome and recap every action point], and what needs to happen first? And can [previous answer]"

Step 5. Motivate to Act.

• "And when [first thing], then what happens?"
• Repeat until the coachee is in a positive state and seems keen to act.
• "And is that a good place to stop?"
• Handover notes.

References

• The Five Minutes Coach (Official)
• Book The Five Minutes Coach

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Coaching with only 7 Questions

1. What's on Your Mind?

Use the 3P Model to focus the conversation:

• Project. Content of the situation. Start here and see if the conversation can be moved to any of the other two Ps.
• People. What your role is in this relationship that might currently be less than ideal.
• Patterns. Patterns of behaviors and ways of working that you'd like to change.
• Example:
• After asking: "Out of curiosity, What's in your mind?"
• Deepen the conversation: "So there are three different facets of what we could look at. Project side - any challenges about the actual content. The People side - any issue with team members/colleagues/other departments/bosses/customers/clients and Patterns - if there's a way that you're getting in your own way, and not showing up in the best possible way. Where should we start?"

2. And What Else?

• Ask it one more time.
• Recognize success when people say: "There is nothing else"
• Wrapping up: 
• "Is there anything else?"
• "What else could you do?"
• "What else might be possible?"

3. What's the Real Challenge here for You? 

• The solution to the Proliferation of Challenges - too many topics at once: 
• "If you have to pick one of there to focus on, which one here would be the real challenge for you?"
• The solution to coaching the ghost - talking about other people, projects, or situations rather than focusing on what they can do:
• "I think that I understand what's going on with [insert the name of other people/project/situation]. What's the real challenge here for you?"
• The solution to abstractions & generalizations - big picture, high-level conversations/talking about "us" and "we" but not about "me" and "I":
• "I have a sense of the overall challenge. What is the real challenge here for you?"

4. What do you want?

• Listen if you see the need behind the person's response.
• Universal needs:
• Affection.
• Creation.
• Recreation.
• Freedom.
• Identity.
• Understanding.
• Participation.
• Protection.
• Subsistence.
• Drive engagement, Increase the TERA. People are asking themself:
• Tribe. "Are you with me or against me?"
• Expectation. "Do I know the future or I don't?"
• Rank: "Are you more important or less important than I am?"
• Autonomy: "Do I get a say or don't I"

5. How can I help?

• Soften the question:
• "Out of curiosity, How can I help?" or 
• "Just to know..." or 
• "To make sure that I'm clear..."
• You could respond: "Yes".
• You can say Yes if it is reasonable for you.
• How to say "No":
• "I can't do that... but I could do...[insert counter offer]"
• Avoid answering the question "What do you think I should do?"
• "That's a great question, I've got some ideas, which I'll share with you. But before I do, what are your first thoughts?" Then say "that's terrific" ask 2.

6. If You are saying Yes to this, What are you saying No to?

• Use the 3P model:
• Projects:
• "What projects do you need to abandon or postpone?"
• "What meeting would you no longer attend?"
• "What resources do you need to divert to the Yes?"
• People:
• "What expectations do you need to manage?"
• "From what drama triangle will you extract yourself?"
• "What relationship will you let wither?"
• Patterns:
• "What habits do you need to break?"
• "What old stories or dated ambitions do you need to update?"
• "What beliefs about yourself do you need to let go of?"
• How to say No when you can't say No
• Part 1. Slowly or partially:
• "Why are you asking me?"
• "Whom else have you asked?"
• "When you say this is urgent, what do you mean?"
• "If I couldn't do all that of this, but could do just a part, what part would you have me do?"
• "What do you want me to take off my plate so I can do this?"
• Part 2. Directly to the request not to the person.
• "I'm afraid I have to say No to this"
• Other 5 strategic questions:
• "What is our winning aspiration?"
• "Where will we play?" - choose a sector
• "How will we win?"
• "What capabilities must be in place?"
• "What management systems are required?"

7. What was most useful for you?

• Extracts what was useful

Deepen Coaching 

• Sequence: 1-2a-3, 2a-2b-3

Covered Scenarios

• How to say no.
• The 3P model.
• Feelings and Needs.

References

• Box Of Crayons
• Book The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever

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How to Hold Someone Accountable

"Behind the problems that routinely plague our organizations and families, you'll find individuals who are either unwilling or unable to deal with broken promises. Colleagues break a rule, coworkers miss a deadline, friends fail to live up to commitments (or just plain behave badly), and nobody says a word. Nobody holds anyone accountable. With repeated infractions, individuals become increasingly upset until they finally do speak their minds, but they do so poorly--often creating whole new sets of problems." - Amazon.com

Actionable Model

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How to Get Prepared for a Crucial Conversation

"Crucial Conversations provides powerful skills to ensure every conversation―especially difficult ones―leads to the results you want. It teaches how to be persuasive rather than abrasive, how to get back to productive dialogue when others blow up or clam up, and it offers powerful skills for mastering high-stakes conversations, regardless of the topic or person." - Amazon.com

Actionable Model

Before you Speak

1. Get Unstuck

What problem should you address? (CPR)

• Identify where you are stuck.
• What bad results do you want to fix?
• What good results are you currently unable to achieve?
• What problems are you always trying to fix?
• What would people complain about at home and work?
• Unbundled with CPR.
• Content. A single instance of a problem (the action itself of immediate consequences)
• Pattern. Recurring problem (pattern overtime)
• Relationship. How the problem is affecting your relationship (trust, competence, respect)

2. Start with Heart

• Learning to focus on what you really want.
• What I am behaving like I want?
• What results do I really want -
• for myself?
• for others?
• for the relationship?
• for the organization?
• How would I behave if I really did?

3. Master My Stories

What do you really want for yourself, the other, your relationship, and the organization?

• Skill 1. Separate facts from Stories.
• Fact is something that can be proven through observation or measurement.
• Stories are judgments, conclusions, and attributions.
• Skill 2. Watch for Three Clever Stories.
• Victim Stories: "It's not my fault..."
• Villian Stories: "It's all your fault..."
• Helpless Stories: "There is nothing else I can do..."
• Skill 3. Tell the rest of the Story.
• What am I pretending not to notice about my role in the problem?
• Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?
• What would I do right now to move towards what I really want? 

During the Conversation

1. STATE My Path

• Share your facts. 
• Start with what see and hear. Include how that differs from your expectations.
• "I noticed that..."
• "Twice you..."
• "Last three times we talked about this..."
• "I was expecting to receive this by X and it's now Y..."
• Tell your story. 
• How the story you are sharing differs from a clever story?. 
• "I'm beginning to wonder if..."
• "It seems to me..."
• "It leads me to conclude that..."
• "I believe that..."
• "I start to think that..."
• Ask for others' paths. 
• Be humble, let others share new ideas, and challenge your story.
• Effective:
• "How do you see it?"
• "Can you help me better understand?"
• "What is your view?"
• Ineffective:
• "Isn't that the case?"
• "What can we do to make sure this doesn't happen again?"
• "No one disagrees with that, do they?"
• Talk tentatively.
• Tell your story as a story, not as a fact.
• Allow room for others' stories.
• Avoid absolutes.
• Too Forceful vs Tentative:
• "The fact of the matter is...." - "In my opinion..."
• "That's a dumb idea..." - "Maybe this would make more sense..."
• "The only reasonable option is to..." - "I believe that we should do is..."
• "If I agree with you, then we'd both be wrong..." - "I'm wondering if that example applies to our company"
• Encourage testing.
• Add more meaning to the pool.
• "What happened...?"
• "Can you help me to understand...?"
• "What am I missing...?"
• "Do you see it differently?"

2. Learn to Look

Watch to see if the Respondent shows signs that they are feeling unsafe or signs of defensiveness because they have misinterpreted your intent. Watch for signs of Silence or Violence.

• Learn to Look For When a Conversation Becomes Crucial
• High Stakes.
• High Emotions.
• Oppositive Opinions.
• Learn to Look For Signs of Silence of Violence in Yourself and others
• Silence: Action taken to withhold information.
• Avoiding.
• Masking
• Withdrawing
• Violence: Action is taken to compel others towards your point of view
• Attacking.
• Controlling.
• Labeling.

3. Make it Safe

Step out of the content. Stop talking about the issue and address the safety concerns. Rebuild safety: Mutual Purpose, Mutual Respect. Then step back in.

• Apologize when appropriate.
• Use contrast to address misunderstandings.
• In the "don't" half of your statement, answer:
• How might others mistake my purpose?
• How might they feel disrespected?
• In the "do" half of your statement, answer:
• What is my real motivation?
• How do I really feel about that person?
• When to use contrasting:
• In the moment. When you notice others become defensive.
• Upfront. If you believe there is a high likelihood that the other person will misunderstand your intent.
• "I don't think/mean/want... (their fear/misunderstanding)"
• "I do think/mean/want... (your actual purpose or meaning)"
• Take Four Steps to Create Mutual Purpose (Violence).
• Commit to seeking mutual purpose. Breaking an impasse to seek the interest of others.
• "Can we look for something we both agree on?..."
• "It appears we're at an impasse. I'd like to see if we can come up with some shared goals..."
• "This doesn't seem to be working. Let's see if we can come up with some common objectives..."
• "It seems we are stuck here. Why don't we spend some time looking for something that will satisfy both of us?"
• Recognize the purpose behind the strategy. Find the purpose by asking why they want what they want and getting both of your meanings into the pool.
• "Let me understand where you are coming from"
• "What are you trying to achieve?"
• "What is it you want..."
• Invent a Mutual Purpose. Look for a higher level, longer-term purpose.
• "So, if we can get the project finished on time AND within the existing budget we will be both satisfied, right?"
• "I want to spend our discretionary fund to redo our branding. You are interested in funding additional R&D. What we both want is to have the best long-term impact on our division's financial goals. I'm fine putting off regarding if it's the best long term interest of our division"
• Brainstorm New Strategies.
• With a clear mutual purpose, you can join forces in searching for a solution that serves everyone.

4. Explore Others' Paths 

Help others leave silence or violence and join you in dialogue.

• Added AMPPs.
• Ask them to get things rolling. 
• Invite them to share their thoughts and feelings.
• Show genuine interest.
• "I want to know what you think about..."
• "What did you hear/see to let you to that conclusion?..."
• Mirror to confirm feelings.
• "You are saying X, but your tone of voice and posture say Y"
• Paraphrase to Acknowledge the story.
• "Let's see if I've got this right. You came something around... but..."
• Prime when you are getting nowhere.
• "Is it something that I've done that has you upset"
• "It's ok to share what you are really thinking and feeling. I won't be offended..."

After

1. Move to Action

• Who does what by when and follow up

Resources

• Crucial Conversations. Participant Preparation Sheet

References

• VitalSmart.com
• Book Crucial Conversations

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