"Behind the problems that routinely plague our organizations and families, you'll find individuals who are either unwilling or unable to deal with broken promises. Colleagues break a rule, coworkers miss a deadline, friends fail to live up to commitments (or just plain behave badly), and nobody says a word. Nobody holds anyone accountable. With repeated infractions, individuals become increasingly upset until they finally do speak their minds, but they do so poorly--often creating whole new sets of problems." - Amazon.com
Actionable Model
Before You Speak
1. Get Unstuck
- Identify where you are stuck.
- What bad results do you want to fix?
- What good results are you currently unable to achieve?
- What problems are you always trying to fix?
- What would people complain about at home and work?
- Unbundled with CPR.
- Content. A single instance of a problem (the action itself of immediate consequences)
- Pattern. Recurring problem (pattern overtime)
- Relationship. How the problem is affecting your relationship (trust, competence, respect)
2. Start with Heart
- Learning to focus on what you really want.
- What I am behaving like I want?
- What results do I really want -
- for myself?
- for others?
- for the relationship?
- for the organization?
- How would I behave if I really did?
3. Master My Stories
- Separate facts from Stories.
- Fact is something that can be proven through observation or measurement.
- Stories are judgments, conclusions, and attributions.
- Watch for Three Clever Stories.
- Victim Stories: "It's not my fault..."
- Villian Stories: "It's all your fault..."
- Helpless Stories: "There is nothing else I can do..."
- Tell the rest of the Story.
- What am I pretending not to notice about my role in the problem?
- Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?
- What would I do right now to move towards what I really want?
During the Conversation
1. Describe the Gap
- Compare the expected vs the observed.
- Share your facts (for simple gaps - Content and Pattern)
- "I understood that you were/weren't about to... But I sew you did/didn't"
- "You said you would let me know ahead of time if you see difficulties to meet the due date but I got it afterward..."
- "We agreed on a budget of 1,500 but I see we end up spending double"
- Share your Story (for more complicated gaps - Relations)
- "This takes me to conclude..."
- "I consider this could take consequences..."
- "I'm starting to think that..."
- End with a Question.
- "Can you help me to understand what happened?..."
- "What made you do that?..."
- "What can we do to prevent this happens again?"
- "Is there anything that prevents you from..."
- "Don't you agree?, or Do you?"
2. Make it Safe (in case of Violence or Silence)
- Step out of the content.
- Stop talking about the issue and address the safety concerns.
- Rebuild safety: Mutual Purpose, Mutual Respect.
- Then step back in.
- Use Contrast to address misunderstandings.
- In the "don't" half of your statement, answer:
- How might others mistake my purpose?
- How might they feel disrespected?
- In the "do" half of your statement, answer:
- What is my real motivation?
- How do I really feel about that person?
- When to use contrasting:
- In the moment. When you notice others become defensive.
- Upfront. If you believe there is a high likelihood that the other person will misunderstand your intent.
- Sounds:
- "I don't think/mean/want... (their fear/misunderstanding), I do think/mean/want... (your actual purpose/meaning)"
3. Diagnose
- Source 1. Personal Motivation
- Would people say that they like what they do?
- Do they find it meaningful?
- Is it aligned with what they are or what they would like to be?
- Sounds
- "I do not like it..."
- "It isn't fun..."
- "I didn't enjoy it..."
- "This makes me feel..."
- "I'm like this..."
- "Sincerely, I..."
- Source 2. Personal Capability.
- Do people have the knowledge, skills, and strengths to do the right thing even when it is not easy to do it?
- Sounds
- "I can't..."
- "I don't know how to..."
- "I never learned it..."
- "Nobody told me..."
- "I try it, but I do not know how..."
- Source 3. Social Motivation.
- Are the others (including me) encouraging or discouraging the desired behaviors?
- Sounds
- "The boss asked me to..."
- "She has celebrated this for months if I change it..."
- "This is how I was told..."
- "I am doing exactly the same that everybody does..."
- Source 4. Social Capability.
- Are the others (including me) bringing or retaining information, help, and resources that are required moreover in critical moments?
- Sounds
- "John didn't give me the material I needed it..."
- "My colleague didn't show me the new system..."
- "When I needed help all contempt at me..."
- "I needed my boss's approval but I didn't get it..."
- Source 5. Structural Motivation.
- Are the consequences such as salary, promotions, performance evaluations, penalties, benefits plans, and institutional culture motivating the good or bad behaviors?
- Sounds:
- "That won't affect me in my performance evaluation..."
- "I am not being paid to do so..."
- "We talk a lot of quality but I can lose my job if I stop the line when a failure occurs..."
- Source 6. Structural Capability.
- Do the environment, information, and installation facilitate to perform the good or bad behaviors?
- Are there enough signs and reminders to help people to follow a good way?
- Is the information received by the persons enough to and adequate to follow the good behavior?
- Sounds:
- "Here we have always to hurry up and then wait for the bureaucracy..."
- "My computer is very slow..."
- "It's difficult to coordinate with Tom because we work in different buildings..."
4. Make it easy
What could be possible limiting the ability of people to perform what is expected from them?
- Identify the Limits.
- What are some of the limits? Resources, Budget, Time, Quality Levels, etc.
- If you know the limits share them before the brainstorming.
- Sounds:
- "Whatever we get, it must be ready in the next 30 days..."
- "By the way, I want to clarify that we have a budget assigned of 2,500 for this project..."
- Invite for Brainstorming.
- Build ownership and people understand better the problem.
- Take the Brainstorming within the 3 sources.
- Source 2. Personal Capability (I can do it).
- How can the other person get the capabilities or skills that are needed?
- "Did you get all that you need to perform what is expected?"
- Source 4. Social Capability (Others help me).
- How can the others (including me) bring help, information, or resources?
- Source 6. Structural Capability (Environment).
- What tools, information, processes, or changes in the environment could facilitate the work?
5. Make it motivating (optional)
If the person is not motivated, clear the natural consequences making visible the invisible
- Evaluate the 3 sources.
- Source 1. Personal Motivation (I want to do it).
- How can you transform the behavior of the person to be congruent with their values?
- How this would affect them personally?
- "If you meet the dates, you reduce your stress levels..."
- Source 3 Social Motivation (Peer pressure).
- How are the others (including you) perceiving or being affected by the person's behavior?
- Point out the hidden affected and mention the affecters
- "Do you know how this affects your colleagues?..."
- Source 5. Structural Motivation (Rewards and punishments).
- What punishment could be applicable if the person doesn't change their behavior?
- What rewards can be granted if they change their behavior?
- "Who meet the dates always take higher positions faster..."
- Finish with a Question.
- "Then we remove these barriers, would you be willing to ...?"
- "Thank you for understanding the importance of this. Is there anything that is preventing you to do ...?"
After
1. Move to Action
- Who does what by when and follow up?
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