How to Express Gratitude

Based on Positive Moralistic Judgments, people often say: "You did a good job on that paper", "You are a very kind person", and "You are a good dancer" and that's Jackal Language. It's intended to reward, people's behavior with the purpose to reinforce something to the person to continue doing. It works only until people see the manipulation and it's equally dangerous that people won't trust gratitude anymore.

How to Give Gratitude

Using the NVC Model, you can say something like:

• "When you did/said X, Y..., it leaves me feeling Z (e.g. hopeful and relieved). It meets a need of mine for A..."

How to Receive Gratitude

According to Dr. Rosemberg, there is zero information value in being told what you are and there is a great danger to you in believing it. It's better to help the other person to fully express themself:

• [O] "Thank you/You are a good/intelligent/..."
• [Y] "What did I do or say to make life more wonderful for you?"
• [O] "You said/did..."
• [Y] "Can you tell me how you feel now as a result of me having done/saying those X things?"
• [O]: E.g., "Hopefull and relieved"
• [Y]: "What need of you was fulfilled by me saying what I did that leaves you feeling 'hopeful and relieved'"
• [O]: "...my need for connection"

The Conference

Scenarios Covered

• How to say thank you.
• How to express appreciation.
• How to give feedback.
• How to receive feedback.

References

• Nonviolent Communication (post)
• Feelings and Needs (post)

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Faux Feelings

When somebody says: "I’m feeling rejected", in nonviolent communication you might empathically translate this as: "Are you feeling scared because you would really like to be included?". These words imply that someone is doing something to you and generally connote wrongness or blame - Narrative Pathways.com

Jackal Word to Giraffe Feeling(s), and Need(s)

• Abandoned: Terrified, hurt, bewildered, sad, frightened, lonely.
• Need for: Nurturing, connection, belonging, support, caring.
• Abused: Angry, frustrated, frightened.
• Need for: Caring, nurturing, support, emotional or physical well-being, consideration, need for all living things to flourish
• [Not] Accepted: Scared, lonely, hurt, anxious.
• Need for: Inclusion, connection, community, belonging, contribution, peer respect.
• Attacked: Scared, angry, defiant, hostile.
• Need for: Safety, consideration.
• Belittled: Angry, frustrated, tense, distressed.
• Need for: Respect, autonomy, to be seen, acknowledgment, appreciation.
• Betrayed: Angry, hurt, disappointed, enraged.
• Need for: Trust, dependability, honesty, honor, commitment, clarity.
• Blamed: Angry, scared, confused, antagonistic, hostile, bewildered, hurt.
• Need for: Accountability, causality, fairness, and justice.
• Bullied: Angry, scared, pressured Autonomy, choice, safety, consideration.
• Caged/Boxed-in: Angry, thwarted, scared, anxious.
• Need for: Autonomy, choice, freedom.
• Cheated: Resentful, hurt, angry.
• Need for: Honesty, fairness, justice, trust, reliability.
• Coerced: Angry, frustrated, frightened, thwarted, scared.
• Need for: Choice, autonomy, freedom, act freely, choose freely.
• Cornered: Angry, scared, anxious, thwarted.
• Need for: Autonomy, freedom.
• Criticized: In pain, scared, anxious, frustrated, humiliated, angry, embarrassed.
• Need for: Understanding, acknowledgment, recognition, accountability, and respectful communication.
• Discounted/Diminished: Hurt, angry, embarrassed, frustrated.
• Need to matter, acknowledgment, inclusion, friendship, inclusion.
• Disliked*. Sad, lonely, hurt.
• Need for: Connection, appreciation, understanding, acknowledgment, friendship, inclusion
• Distrust. Sad, frustrated.
• Need for: Trust, honesty.
• Dumped on. Angry, overwhelmed.
• Need for: Respect, consideration.
• Harassed. Angry, frustrated, pressured, frightened.
• Need for: Respect, space, consideration, peace.
• Hassled. Irritated, distressed, angry, frustrated.
• Need for: Serenity, autonomy, to do things at my own pace in my own calm way, calm, space.
• Ignored. Lonely, scared, hurt, sad, embarrassed.
• Need for: Connection, belonging, inclusion, community, participation.
• Insulted. Angry, embarrassed.
• Respect, consideration, acknowledgment.
• Interrupted. Angry, frustrated, resentful, hurt.
• Need for: Respect, to be heard, consideration.
• Intimidated. Scared, anxious.
• Need for: Safety, equality, empowerment.
• Invalidated. Angry, hurt, resentful.
• Need for: Appreciation, respect, acknowledgment, recognition.
• Invisible. Sad, angry, lonely, scared.
• Need for: To be seen and heard, included, belong, community.
• Isolated. Lonely, afraid, scared.
• Community, inclusion, belonging, contribution.
• Left out. Sad, lonely, anxious.
• Need for: Inclusion, belonging, community, connection.
• Let down. Sad, disappointed, frightened.
• Need for: Consistency, trust, dependability.
• Manipulated. Angry, scared, powerless, thwarted, frustrated.
• Need for: Autonomy, empowerment, trust, equality, freedom, free choice, connection, genuineness.
• Mistrusted. Sad, angry.
• Need for: Trust.
• Misunderstood. Upset, angry, frustrated.
• To be heard, understood, clarity.
• Neglected: Lonely, scared.
• Need for: Connection, inclusion, participation, community, to be cared for, matter, consideration.
• Overpowered. Angry, impotent, helpless, confused.
• Need for: Equality, justice, autonomy, freedom.
• Overworked. Angry, tired, frustrated.
• Need for: Respect, consideration, rest, caring.
• Patronized. Angry, frustrated, resentful.
• Need for: Recognition, equality, respect, mutuality.
• Pressured: Anxious, resentful, overwhelmed.
• Need for: Relaxation, clarity, space, consideration.
• Provoked. Angry, frustrated hostile, antagonistic, resentful.
• Need for: Respect, consideration.
• Put down. Angry, sad, embarrassed.
• Need for: Respect, acknowledgment, and understanding.
• Rejected. Hurt, scared, angry, and defiant.
• Belonging, inclusion, closeness, being seen, acknowledgment, and connection.
• Ripped off/Screwed. Anger, resentment, disappointment.
• Need for: Consideration, justice, acknowledgment, trust.
• Smothered/suffocated: Frustrated, desperate, fearful.
• Need for: Space, freedom, autonomy, authenticity, self-expression.
• Taken for granted. Sad, angry, hurt, disappointed.
• Need for: Appreciation, acknowledgment, recognition, consideration.
• Threatened. Scared, frightened, alarmed, agitated, defiant.
• Need for: Safety, autonomy.
• Trampled. Angry, frustrated, overwhelmed.
• Need for: Empowerment, connection, community, being seen, consideration, equality, respect, acknowledgment.
• Tricked. Embarrassed, angry, resentful.
• Need for: Integrity, trust, honesty.
• Unappreciated. Sad, angry, hurt, frustrated.
• Need for: Appreciation, respect, acknowledgment, consideration.
• Unheard. Sad, hostile, frustrated.
• Need for: Love, appreciation, empathy, connection, community.
• Unloved*. Sad, bewildered, frustrated.
• Need for: Love, appreciation, empathy, connection, community.
• Unseen. Sad, anxious, frustrated.
• Need for: Acknowledgment, appreciation, being heard.
• Unsupported. Sad, hurt, resentful.
• Need for: Support, understanding.
• Unwanted. Sad, anxious, frustrated.
• Need for: Belonging, inclusion, caring.
• Used. Sad, angry, resentful.
• Need for: Autonomy, equality, consideration, and mutuality.
• Victimized. Frightened, helpless.
• Need for: Empowerment, mutuality, safety, justice.
• Violated*. Sad, agitated, anxious.
• Need for: Privacy, safety, trust, space, respect.
• Wronged*. Angry, hurt, resentful, irritated.
• Need for: Respect, justice, trust, safety, fairness.

References

• Words often are mistaken as feelings (Website post)
• Feelings vs faux feelings (Online PDF)

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Feelings and Needs

 1. Feelings Associated With Met Needs

• AFFECTIONATE. Compassionate, fond, loving, openhearted, tender, warm.
• ENGAGED. Absorbed, curious, engrossed, enchanted, enthralled, entranced, fascinated, interested, intrigued, involved, open, spellbound, stimulated.
• EXCITED. Amazed, ardent, aroused, dazzled, energetic, enlivened, enthusiastic, exuberant, invigorated, lively, passionate, surprised, vibrant.
• EXHILARATED. Enthralled, radiant, electrified, euphoric, overjoyed, thrilled.
• GRATEFUL. Appreciative, moved, thankful, and touched. 
• HAPPY. Amused, blissful, cheerful, delighted, ecstatic, elated, giddy, glad, jolly, joyful, jubilant, merry, overjoyed, pleased, rapturous, tickled.
• HOPEFUL. Confident, expectant, jazzed, lighthearted, sanguine, up, upbeat.
• INSPIRED. Amazed, eager, enthused, motivated, moved, psyched, stimulated, stirred, wonder
• PEACEFUL. Calm, comfortable, centered, content, equanimity, fulfilled, mellow, open, quiet, relaxed, relieved, satisfied, serene, tranquil.
• REFRESHED. Recharged, rejuvenated, renewed, rested, restored, revived.

2. Feelings Associated With Unmet Needs

• ANGER. Aggravated, angry, animosity, annoyed, contempt, disgruntled, enraged, exasperated, furious, hate, hostile, incensed, irate, irritated, irked, livid, miffed, nettled, outraged, peeved, resentful.
• AVERSION. Abhorrence, appalled, bothered, displeased, disgusted. dislike. enmity. horrified. loathing. repulsion, revulsion.
• CONFUSION. Ambivalent, baffled, bewildered, conflicted, dazed, discombobulated, disoriented, mixed, mystified, perplexed, puzzled, torn.
• DISCONNECTION. Apathetic, bored, closed, detached, distant, indifferent, listless, numb, withdrawn.
• DISQUIET. Agitated, alarmed, concerned, distraught, disconcerted, dismayed, disturbed, frustrated, perturbed. rattled, restless, shocked, startled, surprised, troubled, turbulent, turmoil, uncomfortable, uneasy, unnerved, unsettled, upset.
• EMBARRASSMENT. Ashamed, chagrined, discomfited, flustered, mortified, self-conscious.
• FATIGUE. Beat, burnt out, depleted, exhausted, listless, pooped, sleepy, tired, weary, wiped out, worn out. 
• FEAR. Afraid, anxious, apprehensive, dread, fearful, foreboding, frightened, guarded, insecure, leery, mistrustful, panicked, petrified, scared, shaky, terrified, trepidation, wary, worried.
• PAIN. Aching, agony, anguished, devastated, grief, heartbroken, hungry, hurting, lonely, miserable, regretful, remorseful.
• SADNESS. Depressed, dejected, despairing, despondent, disappointed, discouraged, disheartened, forlorn, gloomy, heavy-hearted, hopeless, melancholy, miserable, unhappy, wistful.
• TENSION. Anxious, closed, distressed, edgy, fidgety, frazzled, frustrated, jittery, nervous, overwhelmed, restless, stressed out.
• YEARNING. Longing, nostalgic, pining.

3. Needs and Values

• AUTONOMY. Choice, dignity, freedom, independence, self-expression, space, and spontaneity.
• CONNECTION. Acceptance, affection, appreciation, authenticity, belonging, care, closeness, communication, communion, community, companionship, compassion, consideration, empathy, friendship, inclusion, inspiration, integrity, intimacy, love, mutuality, nurturing, partnership, presence, respect/self-respect, security, self-acceptance, self-care, self-connection, self-expression, shared reality, stability, support, to know and be known, to see and be seen, trust, understanding, warmth.
• MEANING. Awareness, celebration, challenge, clarity, competence, consciousness, contribution, creativity, discovery, efficiency, effectiveness, growth, integration, integrity, learning, mourning, movement, participation, perspective, presence, progress, purpose, self-expression, stimulation, and understanding.
• PEACE. Acceptance, balance, beauty, communion, ease, equanimity, faith, harmony, hope, order, peace of mind, and space.
• PHYSICAL WELL-BEING. Air, care, comfort, food, movement/exercise, rest/sleep, safety (physical), self-care, sexual expression, shelter, touch, water.
• PLAY. Adventure, excitement, fun, humor, joy, relaxation, stimulation.

References

• Universal Human Feelings & Needs (online PDF)

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The Feelings Wheel

References

• Ten steps to improve your Emotional Self-Awareness using the Feelings Wheel (drkenmcgill.com)

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The Nonviolent Communication

Reference

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