Based on Positive Moralistic Judgments, people often say: "You did a good job on that paper", "You are a very kind person", and "You are a good dancer" and that's Jackal Language. It's intended to reward, people's behavior with the purpose to reinforce something to the person to continue doing. It works only until people see the manipulation and it's equally dangerous that people won't trust gratitude anymore.
How to Give Gratitude
Using the NVC Model, you can say something like:
- "When you did/said X, Y..., it leaves me feeling Z (e.g. hopeful and relieved). It meets a need of mine for A..."
How to Receive Gratitude
According to Dr. Rosemberg, there is zero information value in being told what you are and there is a great danger to you in believing it. It's better to help the other person to fully express themself:
- [O] "Thank you/You are a good/intelligent/..."
- [Y] "What did I do or say to make life more wonderful for you?"
- [O] "You said/did..."
- [Y] "Can you tell me how you feel now as a result of me having done/saying those X things?"
- [O]: E.g., "Hopefull and relieved"
- [Y]: "What need of you was fulfilled by me saying what I did that leaves you feeling 'hopeful and relieved'"
- [O]: "...my need for connection"
The Conference
Scenarios Covered
- How to say thank you.
- How to express appreciation.
- How to give feedback.
- How to receive feedback.
References
- Nonviolent Communication (post)
- Feelings and Needs (post)
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